Driving and Living Alone. How Do You Make Your Parents Understand It's Not Safe!

This past year has been an incredibly difficult one for our entire family. My parents have just refused to acknowledge that anything is wrong ... that they need assistance ... that it's not safe to live alone or do the things they used to do anymore.
One of the many disappointing things for me is that I am a researcher. If I don't the answer, I try to find it. In fact, I grab on like a terrier (says my husband) and I won't let go until I have it all figured out.
This is one time ... one instance ... where there is no figuring it out.
I can't tell you how many books I've purchased and read that promise to divulge all the secrets to having happy, safe elderly parents ... the key to communication ... to long-term planning ... strategies to help them understand their future needs. The beautiful photos on the covers and the dust jackets make you think THIS one will be THE book that will end all the searching, all the agonizing, all the sleepless nights of worry.
NOPE. So sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there aren't books out there that can do that for you.
When I was just out of college, I was reading lots of philosophy books trying to figure out the meaning of life. Until one day, I realized, guess what? All these philosophers were philosophizing about the meaning of life but they, too, didn't really have any idea what everything meant. Nobody had a blueprint or a handbook for how to live. I finally put all the philosophers away and started praying more.
In my opinion, there is no definitive book available because there is no plan that one can implement that will really help. If your parents do not wish to acknowledge they need assistance, there's no book or strategy that will MAKE them acknowledge their frailty. If your parents insist on driving even when their reflexes slow or they begin to make poor or odd decisions about where they are going and when they are going ... if they begin to get lost all the time when they are driving, YOU know the time has come for them to stop, but they may still stubbornly cling to the notion that they're fine. "Mind your own business!" they may even say angrily. The fact is, if they want to drive and they've got a valid license, they can drive. You can hide the keys to the car or take them away, but they can always RENT a car and have it delivered right to their door!
If they are only eating toast and drinking coffee and burning more toast than they are really eating ... but they still refuse to have a cook come in ... there's little you can do. You can only wring your hands and visit with food as often as possible, hoping that will be sufficient nutrition for them. You, too, WANT desperately to believe it's only a phase and that your parents will be themselves again in no time. But you see, old age is not a disease that has a cure. You don't get better.
I have seen life so differently these past few years. I know what the meaning of life is ... right out of my catechism book: To Know, Love and Serve God ... wow. Helping your elderly parents gives you TONS and TONS of opportunities to do this every, single day. It is SO difficult to try to accomplish what is safe and best for your parents if they refuse to accept that they need anything from you. The only thing you can always fall back on ... the only absolutely sure thing that will help is: PRAYER. That's it. That's the solution I've been searching for all this time.
It was through prayer that my parents were in a car accident (where no one else was injured) ... that injured my dad enough for them to WANT to move into assisted living ... that destroyed the car, so took it away without any of us having to figure out how to approach that anymore. And, while he still could rent a car, the patrolman wrote a note to the DMV to have his license taken away until he would take a road test. Thankfully, we turned in the licenses for IDs and, although the road-test topic comes up every now and then, I try to deflect the conversation onto some other subject and that seems to be working FOR NOW. That's another thing you must remember. Take each day one day at a time. FOR NOW things are okay. FOR TODAY. We'll face tomorrow when it comes.
For this new year of 2009, I hope to have increased space for listing useful products and services for our elderly parents, as well as just being here if anyone needs to talk about what you're going through.
Have you gotten the car situation under control yet? Have you convinced your parents they may need to move into an assisted-living center? Do you know what your parents are eating every day?
Feel free to email me if just want to talk about it.

Parents' Wish

My sister forwarded me this link to A Parent's Wish ... These past few years of helping my elderly parents ... particularly this last year ... has brought many aspects of my life ... and "life," in general, into clearer view.

Financial Insecurity ... and Security

There was a very interesting article: AARP exposes shady retirement seminars
When it comes to these workshops, there is no such thing as a 'free lunch' on the MSNBC website this morning. Everyone should definitely read this!
My siblings and I are just as worried about my Dad's investments and my parents' financial security as I'm sure most people are these days; however, as the article points out ... be careful before putting all the money in an annuity or a trust. I had actually thought about this route, until I really started thinking about all the unexpected (and expected) expenses that arise every month ... how would we be able to pay those bills if we were only receiving a fixed amount? Who cares that it would pay out for 5-10 years! If you need it today, you need it today! To think that my parents' would have had the money to cover expenses, but we wouldn't be able to access it, would have been catastrophic!
Every month hospital bills, clothing expenses, sundry shopping trips, meals out, pharmacy bills, etc., come in ... not to mention the upkeep and possible future expenses to be incurred with their house before it sells ... what a disaster this all could have been!
I'm still optimistic that the stock market will turn around, so I even hate the thought of liquidating any of it at this point, though I know we have to do something to cover expenses. Assisted Living is costly, but still is much more feasible than the cost of 24-hour, 7-day a week care at home.
As I discover any helpful information on this topic, I'll share it here. If anyone reads this has some thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

Try Music Therapy!

I have been doing a lot of research on the internet regarding non-drug therapies for improving memory and exercising the brain. There's been some intriguing studies performed using Music Therapy.
I'd like to share some of the fascinating websites I've found:
Education update: Music Therapy for People with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s Disease

The Institute for Music and Neurologic Function

A caregiver article referencing Music Therapy success

These are just a few. I went to another website, called Eldersong, and found a wealth of great music, along with song books with all the lyrics. To test one out, I purchased the Volume 2 and brought it over to my parents. My Dad started singing immediately! This is a major event! My Dad, who used to sing all the time, hasn't sung in years! He and my Mom both were sitting there singing all the old songs they used to sing to me when I was a child ... like "I'll Be With You in Apple Blossom Time" and "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles," and so many more. They were having a great time!
Now, we just need to find a senior-friendly cd player! My quest continues ... more later!

Think BIG! Senior-Friendly Calendar and Clock!

The calendar highlights activities, with the times they are offered. The purple arrows flag appointments.

This clock is just wonderful! The day and date flip at midnight.

Finally, I have something worth writing about! I know it's been a long time, but when I started this blog, my intention was to focus on products and services that were beneficial to helping your elderly parents (or siblings or friends!) ... not to ramble on about the everyday toils and troubles and anxieties we all feel. We all feel them, let's face it! So, on a positive note, I finally have some products (and projects!) that are, in my opinion, well worth mentioning.

Without going into a lot of details, let me just say that my parents, due to injury, finally moved into an assisted-living residence about two months ago. This has been quite an adjustment ... more of an ongoing adjustment, I'd say. I've been trying everything I can think of to make the transition easier and to try to make sure they are able to take advantage of all the activities and services provided there.

The residence provides a monthly calendar with all the activities listed for every day; however, my parents never seemed to attend anything ... partly because they didn't really even know where to look to figure out what they might want to do and where/when it was offered.

When I met with a senior advocate a couple of weeks ago, she encouraged me to take the monthly calendar and make it REALLY BIG. Highlight the activities that might be important (like appointments) and also all the activities that might be of interest to my parents. She also encouraged me to hang this in a prominent place in the room, visible from the doorway, so that when members of the staff came in, they, too, could glance up at the calendar and remind my parents that the "Bridge Club" was meeting soon or that "Bingo" was just about to start, etc. With that idea, I went to a teacher's store and bought a big, cardboard write on/wipe off calendar. I decided against using the write on/wipe off calendar as THE calendar, though, because after I had filled in the activities for the month, I brushed against it and "poof," half of it disappeared with a mere swipe of my arm! Forget it! If the activites could be that easily erased, it was never going to last a month.

I definitely wanted something more permanent. So I headed over to Office Depot and found those big pieces of paper that come in a tablet on a cardboard easel. The paper, with a little trimming, would work perfectly. SO, I took the teacher's-store calendar and used it as a template to make my own calendar. I don't have a light table big enough for tracing such a huge item, so I used some masking tape and taped the teacher's-store calendar to the window, then I taped my big piece of paper over it. Using the light that came from behind, I was able to see the calendar perfectly and with permanent markers and a ruler, I traced the grid for the calendar.

After I finished the grid, I put my piece on the floor and finished drawing in all the days of the week. Using the monthly calendar from the residence, I wrote in all the things that might interest my parents and the scheduled times. I used different colored markers for each activity and tried to keep that the same throughout: Pale blue for exercises, bright green for bingo, purple for appointments, red for Mass, etc.

I took the calendar and posted it on a bulletin board, along with a list of all the phone numbers that my parents might need (or want!) so they don't have to plow through their old address books every day. (I tacked up a couple of photos, too, just because I had the space on the bulletin board, but you wouldn't have to do that!)

I hung the whole thing in the center of the living-room wall. THEN, I found a fantastic clock that features the day/time. You can find this clock at the Alzheimer's Store. They also have a wall clock that has the same features. The wall clock costs more and I didn't think it would be quite as useful as the desk clock for our purpose. Both clocks are pretty expensive, in my opinion, but I really do think it's been a great help.

Home Helper FOUND

The two agencies we tried to have come in and help my parents really did not meet our requirements. What we really needed was a person who wanted to establish a relationship with my parents, but also who wanted to keep their house clean. Very clean. This was the bottom line. Both agencies we tried sent friendly people, but they really wanted to be more of a house sitter ... or ... I'm not sure what!
In any event, we finally found a local person who goes above and beyond what our expectations were. He's fantastic! His work ethic is incredible. He doesn't ask for pay by the hour, but by the day. He stays until every room is absolutely incredible looking. He brings his own equipment. He's, in a word, WONDERFUL.
I really am confused as to what the agencies think elderly people need. Obviously, if a person is even slightly handicapped due to arthritis, simple tasks become difficult ... washing and folding clothes, doing the dishes, vacuuming, scrubbing, etc. I think the agencies are really missing a very important niche ... cleaning for the elderly!

Finding Home Helpers for the Elderly

I know, I know. I haven't written in a long time! That's because it's been an interesting experience for me ... trying to keep this blog and make it pertinent ... useful ... I have actually deleted a few posts that were, perhaps, a little too personal. I really didn't intend to make this blog be about the trials and tribulations one encounters when helping to care for their elderly parents. No, instead, I had hoped to provide resources and information to help us all along the way. I think I kind of got side-tracked a little.
So, here I am, back in full force and hoping that the links for suggested products and services might help somebody else!
The past month has been particularly taxing while we try to locate just the right cleaning service for my parents. We didn't want the type of service that comes in and turns your house upside-down, rolling up carpets, dusting ceiling fans, etc. We wanted the kind of service that Alice from the Brady Bunch gave every day ... we would have been quite satisfied with Hazel. In short, we wanted a domestic person who could keep the house tidy and do the chores that are too exhausting for my parents at this point.
Do you know how difficult it is to find this? To find someone willing to do the dishes, the laundry and vacuum and mop floors? Sigh.
We've finally settled on another agency. Let me say; however, that the agency is only as good as its employees. And, so far, we've been very happy with the person who has been sent to my parents' home. Another agency we tried did not work out at all ... I think the agency might have downplayed the cleaning aspect of the job to the potential employee ... and, as we all know, that was the only reason we wanted someone! We didn't need a companion (my parents are perfect companions for each other); we didn't need a "sitter." We just needed someone to load and unload the dishes and change the linens on the bed! You wouldn't think that would be so hard to find, would you?
I'll keep you posted.